BIRDY'S PARADISE: 2015

This post is a bit more personal, but this is how I express my thoughts and feelings, writing. On April 18^th2015, I found out my grandpa went into the hospital. First thought that came into my mind, “Well, it’s going to be okay. People often become sick when they get older.” But I was wrong. Everything was not okay. My grandpa was diagnosed with stomach cancer. So many questions came into my head. Wasn’t he healthy for his age? How did all of a suddenly cancer appeared when he seemed fine? Is it curable? What exactly is stomach cancer? Is this really happening to MY family? I know cancer is a common thing, but never once has it happened to anyone in my immediate family. My grandpa was in the hospital for a month before he was released. Everyone in my family took turns visiting him. Then there was me…nowhere to be found at the hospital. Why? Because I live in Minnesota and my grandpa lives in North Carolina. It was difficult for me to travel back home because of my situation in Minnesota. I prayed every day that my grandpa will get better. That he will fight the cancer and it will all go away. Some days, I would get good updates about my grandpa, and some days I would get bad updates. My biggest concern was: what if I didn’t get to see him one last time before he goes? Up until here, my biggest regret was not getting to see him one last time. So, I booked a flight back home after spring classes ended. June 21^st, 2015 I got to see my grandpa and everyone in my family again. It was one of the happiest & saddest day I could remember I’ve had in a while.

My Grandpa is a fighter and always have been. He fought for 6 longs months of pain with barely any food in his system. I wished I could’ve taken the pain away. I wished I could’ve cure him. Unfortunately, on October 3^rd, 2015 around 1AM, my Grandpa left us. I remember I was at Becky’s house just chillin with my friends when I saw the message in our family group chat on facebook. I read it once, read it twice, read it three times, and then read it over and over again some more. I completely froze. I knew this day was going to come, but when it actually happened, I didn’t know how to react, how to feel. First time in my life that someone so close to me past away. My mind felt completely blank for a few minutes. Becky came and sat beside me and asked me if I was okay. I showed her the message and completely broke down. I feel like such a cry baby because I always cry in front of them, but home-girl can’t help it lol. Anyways, I’m thankful for having such caring friends knowing that I couldn’t be there with my NC family right then, right there. That Saturday was a gloomy day. I was home all day with my mom and every phone call that she was on, she cried and cried and cried. And ya already know my cry baby ass was in bed crying all day. >,< But, that Saturday my sister, brother-in-law, niece, & aunt came over to have dinner with my mom and I. We facetimed my sisters, grandma, & dad in NC. It was so sad. My grandma and dad was crying over facetime and that completely broke my heart also.

Definitely wasn’t going to miss my Grandpa’s funeral, so booked a flight for a week to NC on the 21^st of October. Even though it was for my Grandpa’s funeral, it was great to see my entire family again. Even some family members that I haven’t seen in over 10 years. If you’ve never experienced a traditional Hmong funeral, then you wouldn’t understand how tiring it can be. But I did it all for you Grandpa. My first time experiencing the entire funeral from the beginning ‘til the end. We had a little session of speeches and a slideshow presentation and that was probably when I cried the most. I was so sad. Everyone was sad. At the burial, I still couldn’t believe that you were gone Grandpa. Looking at your face for the very last time, putting flowers on top of your coffin for you, and putting dirt over your grave made me wanted to take you out of the coffin and hope with all that I have that you would wake up again.

After restless nights, I came back to Minnesota. It’s always a bittersweet feeling leaving NC. I miss my family. But most of all, I miss you Grandpa. I always have tears in my eyes or cry when I think about you Grandpa. It’s been a month since you’ve been gone and the aching pain is still here. And I believe it will always be here. Nothing or no one will ever heal the heartache of not having you here with us anymore. Even though you’re not here with us physically, you will forever be in our hearts. I love you Grandpa. We all love you, Yawg. I hope that you are doing well wherever you are. Come visit me in my dreams whenever you can. I love seeing you.

Last but not least, I want to thank my family for being so loving, caring, and supportive. We are in this together. One love. Friends and everyone else who helped me get through this, thank you also. Every word, every text, every phone call, every like and comment on social media, and every heart-warming hug means so, so much to me. To know that I have people who cares when I’m going through one of the toughest times, means the world to me. Ya know who ya are.